Imperfect

I consider myself to be a good mom. I am not superior to anyone else and try not to judge others on their parenting skills. I use colorful language that is deemed inappropriate by many people. I am pretty careful when I use it but I have been known to slip in front of my daughter a time or two. There are a lot worse things than her learning a swear word.

I understand the obsession with trying to be a perfect parent. I try really hard. For some reason I always end up disappointed in myself. Slowly (very, very slowly) I am accepting that I am not, in fact, perfect. (Shh, let's just keep that between us.) I feel like I am compared to other people all the time. I find myself comparing me to these same people and finding how they are better at other things than I am. Then jealousy kicks in and I start to lose sight of what I feel are my good qualities. I find myself having the same insecurities that I did with my first pregnancy. Every now and then, I need to reassure myself. So here goes:

Sure, I might let my daughter watch more Dora than some would consider good but it keeps her entertained while I get dishes done and food on the table for my family (not to mention, she is starting to speak a tiny amount of Spanish). I might not feed her a perfectly balanced diet but unlike many kids, she doesn't know what a McDonald's happy meal is because I cook for her. I felt pressured into breastfeeding by every person I encountered. I did end up pumping but breastfeeding was not something I was comfortable with and unfortunately, I let people who don't even matter make me feel like I would be a bad mother if I didn't try. It makes me mad to think about how so many people took advantage of my new mom insecurities to push their agenda. Screw that this time around. I am stronger and more confident. If I want to breastfeed, I will, and if I choose not to, it isn't anyone else's damned business. My daughter is happy, healthy and loved. I may be imperfect but God chose me to be the mother of my children. If someone doesn't like it, they can take it up with Him.

Its been awhile..

April 12th to be exact but in my defense I have been a bit busy. Except two weekends in August I have been out of town every weekend. EVERY weekend. I have been to my cousin's graduation, my sister-in-law's graduation, back to my hometown two weekends in a row to see some family from out of town, I have been to my sister's, my brother's, my in-laws', a family reunion and, well, I think that might be all. Mark asked me last week what I was thinking for Labor Day weekend. I said "nothing". I mean it, too.

Even though my summer has been very (VERY, VERY) busy, it has been full of people that I love dearly. I babysat my cousin when she was three. THREE. Now she is 18. Mark's sister was eight years old when I met her. His other sister was six. They are so grown up now and I couldn't love them more if they were blood related. I was able to see my cousin for the first time in about 15 years. I met his wife and the three girls they have between them.

See what I mean? My heart is so full it could burst at any moment. And that's not all! I am pregnant and due in March.

I am so blessed.

Open Letter to Skechers

I started this blog to document our lives for our families. I don't intend it to be a soapbox where I preach about right and wrong. But I had to write this extremely long post.

Every Saturday morning I look forward to breakfast with my beautiful two year old daughter. I love watching the news until 9:00 and after that a cartoon comes on. Every time it comes on my daughter says "I want to watch this, mom." I admit that I kind of like watching it with her. I even get the theme song in my head. Of the course, with that comes the dozens of commercials pushing toys, shoes, games, etc. The shoe commercials are mostly, if not all, for Skechers.

Let me say this now, I love Skechers and have had many pairs. Their slip-on shoes got me through most of my pregnancy because my feet wouldn't fit into my other shoes (and I didn't have to bend over to tie them). However, I saw something that made me do a double take. They are now advertising for Shape Ups FOR GIRLS! The pair I saw starts at the tiny size of 2.

Is our society taking things too far? I once saw that a company made gym equipment for children. Miniature treadmills and many other things in vibrant colors. It was on the news a few years ago but they interviewed someone and said that children should be getting the majority of their exercise by playing outside. That interview always stuck with me. We are pushing too hard and these shoes are geared toward girls at an age where the only thing they should be worrying about is which swing they are going to choose.

As parents we need to teach our kids healthy habits not buy them shoes that have uneven soles to tone legs that don't need to be toned. Girls have a hard enough time during and after puberty. Our bodies go through so many changes. We get made fun of for having boobs, not having boobs, having curves, not having curves. I had a "friend" tell one of my other friends (behind my back of course) that my boobs wouldn't be so big if I wasn't so fat. Nice. Especially considering that I wasn't fat. I was within a healthy weight range for my height. I tell myself that now but at the time, it hurt and it caused a lot of emotional issues for me, ones that still creep up from time to time. Why do we want to start body issues in our daughters? I never want my daughter to hear the things that I heard. I know I can't protect her from every comment but I will be doing everything I can to make sure she knows that God made her and nothing he makes is imperfect.

So, Skechers, it is my opinion that when you are marketing something with the word "girls" in the title maybe you should stick to sparkles, lights and designs. Just a thought.

Ooh, craftiness

About four years ago I taught myself to knit, kind of. Yay me, right? I started with small needles and thin yarn and it took me forever to knit a section of a scarf so I chalked it up to sucking at knitting and quit. Before that I had promised to knit my mom a scarf.

A couple months ago I read this post and I decided to buy bulkier yarn and bigger needles. I started to use http://www.knittinghelp.com/ as Allison suggested. She is so smart because that website ROCKS! It taught me an easy way to cast on. And back came my motivation to conquer knitting. I decided to do another scarf for my mom. I chose a skein of yarn. I did not make it far before I found another color that she would love more. I decided to do one in turquoise and surprise her with it. It wasn't long before I was almost finished. I can't believe how fast I could make a scarf. Of course I have a hole in it. It isn't a dropped stitch but I don't know how I put it there.

My mom loved it. She laughed and said that she didn't think I would ever finish it. Obviously she knows me well enough to keep her expectations low. Here it is:

I am in the middle of another scarf, the one I had originally started this last time. I have learned a lot with my first one. First, pay attention. Second, it will take more than one skein of yarn and they need to be the same lot number and you may end up digging through a lot of yarn to find a few with the same lot number. Three, do not mess up your mom's scarf because the hole you left in there will be noticed the minute she pulls it out of the gift bag. And it will be the first thing she comments on (or maybe that was a good thing. You know, keep the expectations low).

After this next scarf is done, I plan to try a pattern or two. Wish me luck.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

If you didn't figure it out by the title, today is my dad's birthday. We went over for lunch. Amelia and I stayed until after supper or in her case junk food. She loves her "Papa" so much (and her "Nana" too).

My dad is an easy going, happy person. He has taught me a lot throughout my life. The most important thing I have learned (besides a good work ethic) is to let things go. It isn't always easy and I can't say that I always follow that advice but I always try. I am usually a happier person when I do.

Happy Birthday, Dad!! Love you!

Bad Dreams

I have officially entered new parenting territory. Nightmares. Three or four nights this past week (and a few the week before) Amelia has woken up at least once if not two or three times screaming. This has happened before but not as often as lately. Tonight she wasn't in bed more than 20 minutes before she started crying. I went in, comforted her and went back to the living room. Five minutes later she was crying again.

I am starting to wonder if she is getting teeth. She has been grabbing at her mouth. I don't know if that would cause bad dreams but she has never NOT slept through the night without good reason. I can't feel any teeth but she did this for WEEKS before her i-teeth came in. Tonight I gave her some ibuprofen. Hopefully that will help her get a good nights sleep.

I won't complain if I get some sleep in the meantime.

A Break

Last night I got about 3 hours of sleep. Amelia has been having nightmares and I have a lot on my mind, both of which contributed to that. For the first time since 6:00 a.m. today I have been able to sit down and do something for myself besides shower. It is 8:30 p.m. I am tired and I should go to bed but I won't because I need my "me" time, especially today.

New Escape (not the SUV)

This morning I was pretty frustrated with everything. So frustrated that the minute my husband got out of bed, I grabbed a basket with 2 loads-worth of laundry, my iPod, shoes and water bottle and went downstairs to do laundry/exercise/shower. I set the timer on that elliptical for 45 minutes. Every time I got the urge to check my time I would remind myself that the sooner I got off that thing the sooner I would have to go back upstairs to reality. When I finally let myself check how much time was left I had less than 13 minutes to go. I finished 45 minutes. I may have even been able to do more but I had decided to do the next level up from what I normally do and I was pretty tired. When did laundry and working out start being an escape?

Atkins (or rather my failure at it)

I am not a big fan of diets. I know what I need to do to lose weight but have been lacking in motivation lately. My mind has been going back to my doctor appointment last year when I was told to go on a "low-carb low-fat diet" and eat no more than 1,000 calories. I thought it was asinine. But eventually I learned that 1,000-1,200 calories was perfect for me to lose weight. So if he was right about that maybe I should try low-carb/low-fat. I do have hypoglycemia so it wouldn't hurt to try it. I saw the Atkins book at Walmart and decided to buy it.

I was telling my friend (and co-worker) that I had bought the book to read up on it and possibly implement some of it into my life. She has done it before and told me that if I decided to do it, she would also. We picked today as our starting day.

I was doing good up until lunch. Rather than going to my well-stocked somewhat-Atkins-friendly house I ran out to my fave taco chain and got a taco salad figuring it has lots of protein and veggies that are low in carbs. Little did I know that it contained 60 carbs. I figure 20 were probably from the tortilla which I never eat anyway but that still leaves 40 from the black and pinto beans. Considering that during the induction weeks you are only supposed to consume 20 carbs, I would say that was a big oops. I am still going to try to keep my carbs to a minimum but I will not be too hard on myself and I will probably not check nutrition info on a website AFTER I eat the food (maybe not even before, either).

(Note: Not to throw my friend under the bus, but she ate lasagna for lunch. Atkins is hard.)

Stay at Home Mom for a day

Yesterday I received a phone call from our daycare provider. It seemed that Amelia would be the only child at daycare and she was wondering if it was at all possible for her to have the day off. She has called in sick once in the 1 1/2 years Amelia has been going there so of course she can have a day off. My dad is off on Mondays so I had no doubts that they would take her. I was wrong. They were travelling today so I decided I would just stay home.

We went to where I work to show her off. She was pretty shy until the end, then they saw her in all of her rambunctious glory. After that, off to the mall to pick up a few things I needed. One of the things I had to get was from Victoria's Secret and she LOVES their bags. My mom actually puts treats and toys in them when we leave her house so Amelia likes to carry them. Then to Target where we picked up a pillow for her room I have been eyeing. I have been working really hard on her room to get it perfect. I will share pictures when it is done.

Anyway, it has been wonderful. I miss her so much during the day. Tomorrow is going to be so hard to go back to work. I love my little bean and cherish every moment I get to spend with her. I wish these days weren't so few and far between but I will take what I can get and it makes me appreciate them that much more.

You Capture-Warmth

These are the things that make me feel all warm:

The beef jerky I grew up with. You can only get this in my hometown. Somehow I always pick "peppered" by mistake. My favorite is regular. SOOOOO good that I NEVER share it. I can't even though I know I should. I sat the empty wrapper (it never lasts long) on top of a quilt my sister's mother-in-law made for my daughter's 1st birthday.

This is the card I got for Valentine's day. We decided not to exchange gifts like we normally do so we each ended up buying a box of chocolates for the other.


These are my chocolates. Another thing I don't share. I am not normally so selfish. I SWEAR!

Check out more warm things over at Beth's.

In Loving Memory...

of Grandpa.

He had a stroke about 10 years ago then about 4 or 5 years ago he started showing signs of dimentia and alzheimers and was put into the nursing home.

When Amelia was just a couple months old we took her to visit him and he held her with his good arm. I never got a picture of that.

This is my favorite picture of him and Amelia. There is something about it that shows so much innocence to me.


These pictures were taken at his birthday the last weekend in January. I knew the minute I saw him he wasn't going to fight much longer. I walked up to him right away and when he saw me I saw a look in his eye that is identical to the one that my dad gets when he sees Amelia. I knew at that moment he recognized me. I can't explain how that made me feel. So many mixed emotions. Before I left, I gave him a kiss and hug and told him how much I loved him. It was so hard, deep down I knew that would probably be the last time I saw him.

This is a picture of me, Amelia, my dad, grandpa and grandma.

This is my grandpa and grandma and part of my aunt :)

A week after this party, I got a phone call saying my grandpa had passed away. At the family services they played an audio tape of my grandpa and grandma had made in 1996 about their lives and it reminded me of the person before dimentia and alzheimer's took over. I now have a copy of that recording and am so grateful because I was afraid that I would only remember the last few years of his life. When, really, that was only a small part of it.

A Mess pretty much sums it up

Our house is a mess. Not only in the toys-all-over-the-place way, but the stomach flu has been like a tidal wave and now we are having problems staying connected to the internet. See what I mean...A MESS.

It started with a warning from my daughter's daycare. Two of her fellow daycare children and their mom & dad were sick. Wednesday at 4:00 I got a call to go pick her up. She vomited for the next 5 hours. The next day her daycare provider called to let us know she was sick. I admit, I wondered how bad it could possible be. Let me tell you, it was bad...BAD. I will spare you the details but that was Thursday night. Today I missed a photography class because I didn't dare sit for 4 hours with people who didn't love me enough to tolerate illness related symptoms. Now my husband is laying in bed sick. Did I mention that Friday we were supposed to go to our favorite restaurant and a movie for his birthday? Powerful little bug. Happy Birthday, here is the stomach flu.

January is...

COLD. Really, in North Dakota, it is. Luckily, that is not what I am talking about.

Exciting and busy. Tomorrow I am taking a mini trip to visit my grandparents. Mark will be staying home because it is a sin to force him to miss playoffs :). Then next weekend is his birthday. The day after his birthday I have a class on photographing babies and children. I am hoping that I will learn a lot with this. Amelia never wants to look at the camera because she has been blinded by it for the past two years.

Not only am I hoping it will increase my knowledge but I am looking forward to a little time to myself. I don't get a lot of that.

Right now, my daughter is napping and my husband just walked out to work on his motorcycle. This is the extent of my time alone so if you will excuse me, I am going to take advantage of it.

Checkin' 'Em Off

This past weekend I got so much stuff done that I have been putting off. I love that feeling. Like the weight is slowly being flicked off your shoulders with each task checked off. I really wish I felt this ambitious every weekend but I don't.

I know I am not the only person with a house that doesn't seem to get clean. And if it does get clean, it doesn't stay that way. I spent most of my weekend going through paperwork, picking things up, dusting, dishes, scrubbing, putting away groceries, cooking and making my weekly menu. I felt so organized and the cleaner it was the more organized I felt. I even worked out on the elliptical for over 1/2 hour today. I haven't been on it for almost a year.

Maybe it is the exercise. I just feel better. I don't want to question it. I hope this feeling doesn't go away.

You Capture - Doorways

I had bigger plans for this week's You Capture but since it was bitter cold out and I really didn't have time I decided not to join in again this week because the doorways in my house are pretty boring.

That changed when I finally decided to hang this sign. It is a sign that I found a couple days before Christmas at a drug store in downtown Bis. It was on clearance for $4.80. My daughter loves birdwatching so when I see them, I think of her.

I originally had the sign on the wall, where the wrench bottle opener is hanging :) I backed up to look at it and realized how bare the wall above the doorway was. It is like it was meant to be there. So here it is, my doorway:

If you want to see more You Capture, head on over to Beth's.

New Alarm

This morning I woke up to something I have never woken up to before. My dog growling and barking.

Let me tell ya, when I wake up in the middle of the night because I may have heard a noise, I listen for his reaction to it. He is very protective and I know if someone were trying to get in he would let us know. When I heard him go crazy, I won't lie, it scared the living bejeezus out of me.

I flew out of bed and ran out to the living room and let him out of his kennel. At first he went crazy and started creeping toward the bay window as if he was hunting something. Then I noticed what he was looking at...our new digital picture frame. We got it for Christmas but last night I actually took the time to set it up. I don't know if it had just come on or maybe he just woke up and noticed it but it seemed that was what had him so upset.

I hope that is the only thing he ever has to alert me too. I am so thankful to have him, even if I don't always seem like it. Love my Cassius. (Isn't he adorable?)

Level 2, Baby

I moved up to Level 2 in "The Shred". If you are not familiar with it, "30 Day Shred" is an exercise program by Jillian Michaels that consists of 3 levels. Each level is a warmup, 20 minute strength/cardio/ab workout and cooldown. Total time is around 30 minutes. Also, one of my co-workers is thinking about selling his Wii so he borrowed me his EA Sports Active to try it out. If he does decide to sell I may buy the game. From the 30 minutes I spent using Monday night, I really liked it. The only things I didn't like about it was (a) the strap would fall off if I didn't have it strapped really tight and (b) it was clumsy using the controllers with the resistance band. Once I got the hang of it, it got better.

My weight hasn't changed much, if any, since my last post. I am still waking up early to exercise and it is worth it because I do feel better throughout the day. My appetite is starting to go back to normal. I guess hope it was an adjustment period.

A few years ago I joined the Y so I could join a weight lifting class. I started using the elliptical, lifting free-weights and Mark and I would run afterward. I always felt really good afterward. I don't really know how or why I stopped but I did. I never realized how much I missed it.

5:30 a.m.

That is the time I get up to do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I tried eating a banana before and cereal after Monday and Tuesday. Each day I would eat my weight in snacks throughout the day. I was never satisfied. Today I tried eating my Cheerios before and a hard-boiled egg afterward. No difference. I ate so much throughout the day. I am frustrated. Even though my weight was down this morning I do not like the feeling of being out of control. Just a couple months ago I could go all morning (after breakfast) with just a cup of coffee, now I have gone through all my calories before I even get home. The workout isn't easy but it isn't enough for me to be able to eat that much.

I hope my body just needs to adjust because I really do like getting up to do the workout. I feel much better throughout the day.